Even after all this time,
The sun never says to the earth,
"You owe me."
Look what happens with
A love like that.
It lights the whole sky. - Hafiz of Persia

Happy February Everyone!

As the saying goes “February is for Lovers”, so I thought it would be a wonderful opportunity to focus on the ‘couple relationship’ in this month’s newsletter.  

It would be nice to think that it’s all smooth sailing once we’ve found the one we love.  Days filled with romance, togetherness, hand-holding, roses, poetry…etc., etc., etc.  
But … unfortunately this is not the case.  Every couple will experience conflict…no relationship is immune from it.
 
Research tells us that all couples argue.  Hetero couples argue.  Same sex couples argue.  Married couples argue.  Couples living together argue.  What is interesting is the issues causing the arguments are the same and so is the frequency of the arguments regardless of the type of relationship. 
    
So what do other couples argue about you ask?  Here are the hot buttons (in no particular order):
Money (spending/saving, the one with the money = the one with the power)
Sex (lack of energy/interest)
Housework
Minor Irritations (personal habits).

In terms of the ‘minor irritations’ category, a British survey of 3,000 couples (by www.betterbathrooms.com) found that women and men are irritated by a variety of things.  Take a look:     
 
Things Women Find Irritating                 Things Men Find Irritating
Shaving stubble in the sink                                     Taking too long to get ready
Dirty marks left in toilet bowl                                   Nagging about chores
Flicking through tv channels                                    Leaving the lights on
Not replacing the toilet paper roll                            Leaving hair in the drain
Leaving the toilet seat up                                       Hoarding stuff
Leaving the lights on                                              Overfilling the garbage
Leaving dirty dishes around the house                   Leaving tissues around the house
Leaving towels/clothes on the floor                        Leaving dirty dishes around the house
Hoarding stuff                                                         Flicking through tv channels
Not flushing the toilet                                             Watching soap operas

Apparently minor irritations can become a big problem as 1 in 5 Brits included in the survey said they have considered splitting up with their partners as a result of the annoying habits. 
 
Here are a few other interesting facts about couples and arguments (according to a survey done by thecoupleconnections.net):

•    On average, couples included in the survey argued twice a week, followed by a period of silence of two hours and 14 minutes (the old silent treatment!).  This adds up to nearly 10 days a year spent in silence
•    6 out of 10 people prefer to sulk, rather than admit they are wrong.
•    76% of people believe the odd argument is healthy for a relationship
•    More than 50% believe saying or hearing the words “I’m sorry” is enough to help them forgive and forget.

Here is another bit of research for you to consider. 

According to Dr. John Gottman, a respected researcher who has spent many years studying couples, believes that regardless of the topic and/or the frequency, arguing makes little to no difference in terms of overall happiness and the likelihood of staying together.  The biggest indicator of whether a relationship will last is in the way in which you argue.  

Dr. Gottman has identified 4 characteristics that can occur during an argument that spell doom for a relationship.  He calls them The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Horseman #1 – Criticism.
This is the first warning sign in an argument.  Criticism involves an attack on the person instead of on the issue.  The difference between a criticism and a complaint is very important.  

For example, suppose you left a wet towel on the bathroom floor again.  

A complaint would be your partner saying something like “You’ve left a wet towel on the floor again.  I hate it when you do that!”  

However, if you add the words “You are lazy”…the statement becomes a criticism.  

Do you see the difference?  Rather than focusing on the behavior, the statement about being lazy becomes an attack on the person and their character.  

Specifically criticism is defined as:
•    Any statement that implies there is something wrong with the other person rather than focusing on a specific behavior that irritates you.
•    Any statement that begins with “you always” or ‘you never”.
Criticism elicits defensiveness on the part of the person it is aimed towards.   

Horseman #2 – Defensiveness.
When we perceive that we are under attack (following criticism) our defense mechanisms kick into high gear.  

Examples of defensive statements include:  “What are you picking on me for?”, “What about all of the good things I do?”, or “I never get any thanks or appreciation”.  

The danger with defensiveness is that it usually includes the denial of responsibility for the problem and this is like pouring gas on a fire…it fuels the conflict because it implies the other person is the one in the wrong or the guilty party.  It’s not the couple as a whole who has the problem, but rather it the fault of the mean person you happen to in the relationship with.  “It isn’t me…it’s you”.

Any attempts to deflect, divert, attack or defend are indicators of defensive behavior. 
   
Using the previous scenario of the wet towel left on the floor, a response of “Yes I did leave the wet towel on the floor but it’s only because you leave all of your stuff all over the bathroom and I can’t find anywhere to put it” would be a good example of defensive behavior.  

When we get defensive we avoid owning up to the fact that we did something wrong. By refusing to admit when we are wrong and by not backing down, the argument will get more intense.  

Horseman #3 – Contempt
Contempt is the worst of the horsemen and usually signals the beginning of the end of the relationship.  It is a lack of respect for one’s partner. 

Sarcasm, name calling, eye-rolling, cynicism, mockery, sneering and using hostile humor are all examples of contempt.
 
If we use the wet towel episode again, an example of contempt would be a statement like “You’ve left a wet towel on the floor again. You are lazy…and your laziness disgusts me”.

Contempt is any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts oneself on a higher plane that one’s partner.
 
Horseman #4 – Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when a person withdraws from the interaction. 

Typically when we communicate we give many cues to show the speaker we are listening such as maintaining eye contact, nodding our heads, using facial expressions, adding a few brief comments (yes, uh-huh, etc.) to show that we understand what is being said and that we are engaged.  

When someone is stonewalling, they don’t give off any of these cues.  They may stay in the conversation physically but not emotionally.  The body becomes stiff, they look away and wont’ offer any verbal communication. There is no responsiveness. The message is ‘you are not important’, ‘I’m ignoring you’, or ‘I’m closing myself off to you’.  

As a result of being treated this way, the other person experiences a physiological arousal (for example a spike in their heart rate) and this
generally causes an escalation in the conflict.
 
According to Dr. Gottman, the horsemen usually show up in a sequence, with criticism starting the process.  Dr. Gottman also maintains that the presence of contempt in a relationship is the best single predictor of divorce.  

I have included an article below by Dr. Gottman with some helpful advice for building a strong relationship.  Also, please remember that if any or all of the horsemen are present in your relationship…we can help you.  We are only a phone call away or if you use the online booking program on our website (www.penneymurphy.com)…we’re just a click away!
Now back to more pleasant thoughts.  A relationship, just like each one of us, needs attention and nurturing, so with the month of love upon us, and regardless of whether you celebrate Valentine’s Day or not, will you take the opportunity to let the most important person in your life know how much they are loved?  I hope you will. It is so important for each of us to feel valued, appreciated and loved.  I’d even be willing to bet that you will realize some benefits from reminding your sweetheart how you feel about them. 

Just before I finish up, I wanted to draw your attention to a brand new feature in our newsletter that I hope you enjoy.  It’s called 20 Questions
.  
I work with such a fantastic group of people who make coming in to the office an absolute pleasure every day and I thought it would be wonderful for you to get to know them as well.  

So I created a list of 20 Questions, some of which are serious and others that are just fun (for example…if you could give yourself a fun/silly name…what would you like to be called?).  Each month we will feature one of our team members and share their answers to the 20 Questions with you.   

To begin with we are featuring the person who speaks with everyone who calls, the person who greets everyone who comes into the office and the one responsible for keeping all of us in the office organized and happy.  If you looked up Exceptional Customer Service in the dictionary you would find her picture.  

So (drum roll please) for the first edition of 20 Questions, I am pleased to introduce you to our Office Manager Extraordinaire Megan Larwood.  She is an absolute delight.  

If you don’t already receive our monthly newsletter, sign up right here on our website!  Just look for the newsletter icon on the home page.
 
I leave you now with three of my favorite love quotes.  Feel free to share them with your sweetheart.  

Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself wanting to become lost again. ~ Unknown

If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you made me smile, I would have the whole night sky in the palm of my hand. ~ Unknown

In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~ Janos Arnay

Happy February!  Take care of yourself and the ones you love.
Kindest Regards,
Penney

Penney Murphy
B.A., B.S.W., M.S.W., R.S.W.
President/Owner

Happy January Everyone!

2012 is upon us!  The New Year brings with it an opportunity for a fresh start, a chance to look at our lives and ourselves and to take stock.  As a result, for approximately 50% of all Canadians the New Year includes making resolutions in order to create a better life. 
 
Did you know that the celebration of the New Year is the oldest of all the holidays and the only one that celebrates the passage of time?  The celebration of the New Year was first observed over 4000 years ago, dating back to ancient Babylon times when the New Year was ushered in during the month of March and was associated with the new growing season.  

According to historians, the first time in documented history that the making of resolutions in association with the New Year took place on March 23, 2000 BC when ancient Babylonians marked the day by returning items they borrowed from neighbors the previous year.  

Our modern tradition of celebrating the New Year dates back to 154 BC when the Roman Senate declared January 1st to be the first day of the New Year according to their Julian calendar.  The god Janus (for whom the month of January is named) was believed to have two heads, one which looked forward and the other which looked behind, symbolizing the end of the old year and the beginning of the new.  It was at this time that the making of New Year’s resolutions become more prevalent in society; a tradition which continues today with our Gregorian calendar.  

Every year at this time, my personal New Year’s tradition is to ask myself the following questions:  Are you living the life you want to?  Are you the person you want to be?  If not, what do you need to do to be true to yourself and live the life of your dreams?    

Historically, I have always looked forward to this New Year’s process with enthusiasm and excitement.  This year quite honestly, the enthusiasm and excitement are tempered with some trepidation.  Perhaps it’s due to the fact that I’m 51 now and realizing that time has a very real way of slipping by.  Or perhaps I’m just impatient. 

But I do have the real sense that if I am to actually and actively live the life of my dreams and be the person I want to be, the time for talking needs to be replaced with action.  As Mark Feldman and Michael Spratt so eloquently put it “Five frogs are sitting on a log.  Four decide to jump off. How many are left?  Answer: five. Why?  Because there's a difference between deciding and doing”.

I suspect I am not alone in this.  Whenever I ask the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I get a knowing nod.  We all have dreams and desires for our lives, but I think for many of us the reality of having to bring home a paycheck in addition to meeting our various responsibilities leaves us with little time to dream, and less to make the actual changes needed to realize our dreams. 

The fear for me at any rate is that if I keep waiting, one day I’ll wake up and it will be too late due to circumstances out of my control, health or otherwise.  

If you are on a similar journey of your own, you will know that the biggest hurdle in the process is deciding what’s important to you, figuring out what will make you happy, fulfilled and content.  If you are in a couple relationship, it gets a bit more complicated as you will need to ensure that your plans mesh with those of your loved one.  Admittedly, not always an easy task.
 
I came across an interesting article which I have included in our January newsletter for your interest dealing with this very subject and which may help you to put things into perspective.  I know that it gave me pause for thought.  (If you don't receive our monthly newsletter and would like to, please take a moment to click on the Newsletter Sign Up icon on our website). 

Once you have gained some clarity as to your priorities, the process gets a bit easier.  The following things in particular will help you to achieve success. 
 
1.    Understanding why you want what you do.  Why are your priorities important to you and what do they mean to you?  What is driving you?  

2.    The readiness and willingness to change.  As the old saying goes, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll get the same results.
 
3.    Be aware of any and all barriers that may prevent you from making or sustaining change.  

4.    Expect to stray from your vision.  It’s normal to revert back to old habits or to find yourself off course.  The key here is recognizing when this happens and rather than beating yourself up with negative self talk, being able to motivate yourself again.  

5.    Make your goals realistic ones.  For example, if one of your goals is to lose weight, set a goal that is attainable.  If you have large goals, break them down into smaller, more manageable goals (i.e. if you start with a goal of losing 100 lbs., a loss of 1 or 2 pounds won’t seem significant and you may give up hope).  However if you set a goal of losing 10 pounds, the loss of a couple of pounds will be exciting and will give you confidence to continue.  Once the first 10 pounds is gone, you can begin again, with success under your somewhat smaller belt :)

6.    Make sure your goals are measurable.  Weight loss is an easy one to measure…you simply get on the scale and you can tell if you are making progress.  
Other goals may be a big more difficult to measure.  For example, if one of your goals is to reduce your stress, how will you know that you are succeeding?  

Consider making a list of stress management techniques that you enjoy and scheduling them regularly into your week.  

It may be helpful to take notice of how your body and your mind feel when you are under stress (i.e. Is your sleep disrupted?  Are you anxious and worried?  Does your concentration suffer?  Does your breathing change?  Do your neck muscles stiffen and ache? Etc.,).  

Also, consider how your mind and body let you know that you are in a state of relaxation (i.e. your mind is clear, you sleep well, you smile a lot, etc.).  

If you know specifically what stress looks like for you and also what being relaxed feels like you can begin to measure your progress.  

For example, you might start with a goal of experiencing an hour a week free of stress symptoms.  If you can accomplish this, you will know that the stress management techniques you are employing are working.  

If your goals are grand, be strategic.  For example, if you want to take a year off to travel the world you need to figure out what steps you need to take to make this happen.  

•    Specifically, what year will you do this?  Next year, or in three years from now?  
•    How will you pay for this?  Do you need to save a specific amount of money each month for the next year?  Will you sell your house and rent an apartment to save money?  Will you cut down on treats, fancy coffees, movies, etc.?  Or will you get a second job to add additional income?  
•    When the time comes will you be able to take the time off work?  Or will you have to quit your job to do it?  If so, what will you do for income once you return from your travels?  
•    And so on.

If planning your ideal life, or figuring out what you want to be when you grow up is an interest, please give me a call.  As I enjoy this work so very much, one of my goals for the new year is to do more work in this area, (this is part of living the life of my dreams) so I have opened up my calendar for 2012 to allow me more time to work personally with clients in the area of life coaching and success achievement.  I love assisting in this process to help people achieve the life they dream of.  

Just before I wrap up I want to direct your attention to the final article of our January newsletter.  If perhaps there is an issue you are struggling with either personally or professionally, and you have been hesitant to come in for counselling to date, you may be interested to read the thoughts of our own Darlene Kennedy who describes what a counselling session is like and talks about her own experience both as a client and a counsellor.  

I mentioned the topic of stress management earlier (a very popular New Year’s resolution for many).  To assist you in reducing or managing the stress in your life, I have recorded a guided visualization which is a wonderful stress management tool.   You will find this free tool on our website at www.penneymurphy.com.  Click on the Products page and enjoy as often as you like.  Please feel free to share it with your friends and family too!  It takes approximately 5 minutes so you can enjoy it during a break in your work day, at home or even on your cell phone for an instant pick me up.  

As I complete my writing, I leave you with this quote from Ellen Goodman:
“We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential.”

I wish you good luck on your journey.  May 2012 be everything you hope it will be.  
Take care of yourself and those you love.
Kindest Regards,
Penney

Penney Murphy
B.A., B.S.W., M.S.W., R.S.W.
President / Owner

 

Happy December Everyone!

What a wonderful time of year!  The Christmas party season is officially underway (I’ve got two this week!).  Driving around the city, I see more and more houses being lit up with Christmas lights, and on my evening dog walk last night I noticed 9 houses in our neighborhood with beautifully decorated Christmas trees resplendently standing tall in front windows.  This weekend (in my house at any rate) the baking will begin, and then of course there’s the shopping…oh the shopping!

One of the most rewarding things (and sometimes the most difficult part) about Christmas shopping is finding that ‘special something’… the perfect gift.  You know the one.  It’s the present that you hope will be very meaningful, the one that will have an impact, or create a feeling.  The one that will make their eyes light up or be the gift that they will remember for a long time.  

If you have been struggling to find that perfect gift for someone special on your Christmas list this year…I’m pleased to tell you your search is over.  I have the answer for you.  

Let me give you a little background into how I stumbled upon this perfect gift.  

Over the past few months I have been personally working with several companies to assist them with team building.  We’ve focused on the importance of morale, pride and spirit for creating a sense of team.  When these three elements are present in an organization, productivity is high, relationships are strong & it’s fun to go to work.  Without high morale, pride & spirit, the situation is very different…people tend to feel dissatisfied, lethargic and negative.    

In terms of morale an important component is attitude.  People with high morale are generally positive, optimistic, cooperative and supportive.  

People with pride respect their own and their colleagues’ achievements and believe that whatever they must face, they can collectively and successfully handle it… the feeling of being part of something larger than yourself and the belief that “none of us is as good as all of us”.

In terms of spirit, vigor & energy are vital.  Spirit is animating; it can be contagious, motivational and inspirational.

The best work cultures develop where coworkers recognize that everyone has important value to contribute and everyone collaborates or works together for the good of all.

In order for morale, pride and spirit to flourish, a foundation of trust is essential.  To build trust…people need to get to know one another.  It’s not enough to just say “Hi, how are ya?” in the hallways.  We need to go deeper than that.  It’s valuable for us to know and understand the strengths and skills, the talents and the passions of the people we work with (and our own, too!).   

A critical factor of getting to know one another and for building trust involves appreciation.  It is important for us to show our appreciation for our colleagues’ skills and strengths, talents and passions, because these very people with all of their amazing skills and personalities, make our jobs and our days better and easier.   

Did you know that there are only 2 kinds of people who benefit from appreciation?  Men and women!

Did you also know that appreciation … or rather a lack of it is the number one reason people leave their jobs?

We all want to feel appreciated.  We all want to feel important, valued … that we have something to contribute.  
When we are appreciated, we feel connected.  When we feel connected we develop trust and when we have trust and appreciation…we have a strong sense of team.  

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing:  It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well” – Voltaire.

When we appreciate and celebrate the unique strengths and talents of each individual, we create a successful team identity.  

Appreciation is the glue that binds a team together.  

So I ask you…when was the last time that someone said to you “Thanks for doing such a great job”?  or ‘Thanks for buying my product”? or “Thanks for that information…you really made my day”?

Now think back…when was the last time you said to someone else … “I’m really glad we work together…thanks for what you do”?  

We don’t hear those words or say those words often enough…and yet they are so very powerful.  
It’s easy to do…just follow these simple steps:

1.    Be specific.  Tell someone exactly what it is about them that you appreciate and admire.
2.    Be sincere.  Really mean it!  
3.    Do it often.

Now I imagine you are thinking…how does this translate into the perfect the Christmas gift?  

What if we took this notion of appreciation at work and applied it at home, to our relationships, to our children, our parents and our relatives as well as to our friends?  What if we took some time and thoughtfully put pen to paper to describe exactly what it is we appreciate and admire about those special people in our lives?  What if we told them about the wonderful impact that they have on us and that our lives are richer and blessed because they are part of it?  What if we said “Thank you just for being you”? 

Wouldn’t that be the perfect gift?   

“I love your sense of humor…the way you make me laugh!  It makes me feel so happy.  I think about all the times we’ve laughed together and they make wonderful memories for me”.  Or “Did you know that I appreciate your wisdom?  I can always count on you to help me if I have a problem and that means a lot to me”.   What about “I love the way that you believe in me.  You make me feel like I can do anything…and this gives me strength and courage” or “You are so thoughtful.  All of the little things you do (many of which you think I don’t notice) makes everyone in the family feel important.  We do notice and we are grateful. Thank you.”  

“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.”  ~Cynthia Ozick

Let them know everything that is wonderful about them, how you feel, why you love them, the benefit that you receive because they are part of your life.  

Imagine the joy you’ll feel in the writing.  And imagine the impact your ‘someone special’ will have when they are reading your words.    

Wrap it up in a pretty box with a big bow.  It becomes a gift to be cherished for years to come.  If your ‘special someone’ is ever having a tough day, he/she can take out your letter and re-read it again and again, each time taking comfort from your words.   

It’s simple.  It’s free.  It’s all about appreciating the people in our lives.  It’s the perfect gift….to give and receive.  

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” ~William Arthur Ward

In the process, as a gift to yourself, I hope you will think about those things you appreciate about yourself, the qualities, skills, talents, passions you are proud of.  When I was a little girl, my father taught me a very valuable life lesson that I have always held dear.  He used to say that we can’t expect others to love us if we don’t love ourselves.  Often we spend so much time dwelling on what we do wrong, or the mistakes we make rather than appreciating the many, many wonderful things that we do right and that we are proud of.  If you find it difficult to do this for yourself…do it as a favor to me.  

Before I sign off, let me tell you about the other goodies you will find in our December newsletter.  

The opposite of finding the perfect gift is receiving the worst gift!  I stumbled upon an article in the New York Times where readers submitted stories about the worst gifts they ever received.  I’ve included a few of those stories in our second article as well as the link to the website.  I hope you find them as amusing as I did.  :)

Also, our very own Elizabeth Smith recently completed some training on effectively treating trauma.  She shares some of her learning with us in her article below.  It is very interesting reading.  

You will also find a great article from Brad Bodnarchuk, our lead Addictions Counsellor all about the great expectations surrounding the holiday season and taking care of yourself.    

As you scroll down through the newsletter, make sure to go the very bottom of the page.  There you will find a small token of appreciation and chance for us to say a huge THANK YOU to all of our clients.  Please find a coupon for $20.00 off your next appointment.   This can be used anytime during December or January.  Thank you again for your support, your encouragement and for your business.

If you haven't signed up for our monthly newsletter yet...it's easy and you can do it right here on our website. 
 
And finally, a last bit of news that I wanted to share with you.  I’m excited to be going into the recording studio next week to record a guided visualization (which is a wonderful tool for relaxation and stress management).  

As a gift to all of our clients and friends, this will be available on our website (www.penneymurphy.com) beginning in January. You will find it on our “Products – Tools for Change” page located on the left side of our home page.  

You will be able to download it for free to help you relax at home or at work, on your computer or your cell phone.  Guided visualizations are one of my favorite ways to relax, so I am pleased to be able to share this with you.  Enjoy!  

Now, please allow me to take this opportunity to express my sincere appreciation and gratitude for the honor and pleasure of working with you and your families over the past year.  We value our relationship with you and look forward to working with you in the year to come. From all of us at Penney Murphy & Associates may you enjoy a very happy Holiday Season and a New Year filled with peace and prosperity.
Wishing you a December bright with joy and rich memories.  May you all receive your perfect gift.  Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!

Be good to yourself and those you love.
Kindest thoughts,
Penney

Penney Murphy
B.A., B.S.W., M.S.W., R.S.W.
President / Owner

 
 

Happy November Everyone!

Perhaps it’s timely with Remembrance Day on the horizon that I’ve been thinking a lot about courage lately, about what it means and how/ where it dwells.  
 
Courage seems to mean different things to different people and as a result there are a number of definitions of courage.
Here are two that I found that resonate with me:   

Courage is the mental and emotional preparedness and ability to deal with difficult, challenging, and sometimes seemingly impossible circumstances. It is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, intimidation and other threats. ~ Unknown

Courage is a moral quality; it is not a chance gift of nature like an aptitude for games. It is a cold choice between two alternatives, the fixed resolve not to quit; an act of renunciation which must be made not once but many times by the power of the will. Charles Wilson, 1st Baron Moran, The Anatomy of Courage (1967).

As if in keeping with the multiple definitions, courage seems to take multiple forms.
 
There are the very public examples of courage that the men and women of our military past and present display on a daily basis as they are subjected to the realities of war.  They face their own individual fears, and selflessly risk their lives in order to fight for the greater good.   

It is also courage that the families of our military show as they send their children, their mothers and their fathers off to distant lands in the hope of making the world a safer, better place with no guarantee of their return.  

I think about our police officers and our fire fighters and the courage necessary in their role as protectors as they never know what dangers lurk in the next shift.  I imagine this is true for their families as well.
 
I am grateful for the chance to honor this courage and to show our thanks for these sacrifices with Remembrance Day.  

But I believe courage also lives and breathes in less public venues, peering around corners, waiting only to be summoned.  

We all face times of crisis, of dismay, sadness and fear.  This is a universal fact.  
And yet, when it happens to us personally, we can feel very much alone.  

I’m referring to those times of self-doubt, when the internal voice tells us we are in jeopardy, the times when direction doesn’t come easily.  Those times when we face challenges or threats that initially paralyze us.  The occasions or events that cause fear to rise up in our throats like bitter bile.  Or the times when there just doesn’t appear to be a right answer to our problems.
 
I’m talking about times in the middle of the night when you lay awake, feeling vulnerable, the problems of the day magnified, obstacles seemingly impassible or insurmountable, and uncertainty is wrapped around you like a blanket.

Where does courage dwell at times like these?  Can courage exist where fear abounds? I believe so.  

Writing in 1829, William Ellery Channing noted:

There are seasons, in human affairs, of inward and outward revolution, when new depths seem to be broken up in the soul, when new wants are unfolded in multitudes, and a new and undefined good is thirsted for. There are periods when...to dare, is the highest wisdom.

Eleanor Roosevelt wrote “we gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot”.

It is my belief that courage lives within each of us.  Perhaps we don’t recognize it in the moment, but more so after the fact, once fear and threats have passed.  But it is there nonetheless, significant and strong.
 
Courage is what drives us and gives us determination to find the answers we desperately seek, no matter how painful.  

Courage is with us in that millisecond when we push fear aside, even if only momentarily, so that we may regain faith in ourselves.  

Courage allows us to hope and trust that we will get through, that we will be okay.   

Courage accompanies us when we make the decision to do the right thing even in the face of opposition.
 
It is courage that stands beside us, with a reassuring hand on our shoulder, as we do what at times seems to be the most difficult task of all…to ask for help when we can no longer manage alone.  

It is in that very moment when we decide to face our fears rather than being defeated by them, when we somehow gather the strength to move forward that courage raises its head, and makes its presence known.  When faced with fear, to do something, to do anything, in decision or in action takes courage.  We are all courageous in our own way.
 
Some courage is recognized publically, while for many others, courage is quietly and privately understood and appreciated as the desire and ability to hold our heads up with confidence in times of trouble and to simply do the best we can.  

In the words of the late great John Wayne “Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway”.

This November may you join me in paying tribute to those courageous souls who fight for our freedom, protection and way of life and to the families who love them.

And if by chance you are faced with your own private battles, may you saddle up confident in the knowledge that you are courageous and that you are not alone.  

I leave you now with the words of Mary Anne Radmacher:

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow”.

Take care of yourself and those you love.

Kindest Regards,
Penney

Penney Murphy
B.A., B.S.W., M.S.W., R.S.W.
President/Owner
Penney Murphy & Associates
Registered Counsellors and Consultants
 

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Happy October Everyone!

I am so very pleased to tell you that our new website is up and running.
I do hope you will take a moment during your busy day to check us out
at www.penneymurphy.com. You can meet our team members, find out
about all of the services we offer…you can even book an appointment on our
website or on your cellphone! The website is filled with color and has plenty
of pictures to delight your senses. I do hope you enjoy it!

Speaking of delighting your senses, I’m sure you will agree with me that
our province is a place of undeniable natural beauty. Each and every
season offers up an absolute treat for the senses. I think about the smell
of freshness when our spring finally arrives and the flora comes to life with
seemingly a million different shades of green. Summer delivers the warmth
we dream of in the dark depths of winter, our blue sky seems enormous, the
days are long and bright color decorates our yards, planters and gardens.
Even those picturesque winter mornings when ice crystals are in the air and
everything is covered in hoar frost encourage a sense of awe. But in my
mind, there is no more beautiful time than fall in Saskatchewan.

I suspect that all of the other months in the year are envious of October
as it luxuriates in the front end of the fall season and wraps us up in it’s
resplendent cape of scarlet, auburn, gold, and crimson. It’s almost as
if nature offers up the vivid colors of October as a gift to be held close
and treasured, meant to buoy our spirits and carry us through as winter
invariably descends upon us.

Personally, I find a certain comfort in the arrival of October.

The crisp and clean air makes a blazing fireplace seem even more inviting
and a cozy sweater so appealing.

I love the gathering that occurs in October. The way families come together
either at their own tables for a Thanksgiving feast or at the myriad of fall
suppers in the community halls all across our great land.

I love the sharing that takes place when we gather…the sharing of food, of
stories, and laughter and of life. It’s always a good thing when we celebrate
and appreciate each other.

On some level, we all have needs in terms of being accepted, belonging,
and giving and receiving love (according to Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of
Needs) and it is through such events that we are able to satisfy these needs.
When we gather and share we realize a sense of togetherness. And
regardless of what is going on in the world around us, just by being together
we are able to create a sense of security and stability, and the knowledge
that we are okay.

I think the awesome colors of October together with the opportunities
for connection provide the perfect the breeding ground for memories to
be made. And, in my opinion, it is through these memories that comfort
comes. Our senses are heightened as not only do we recall the pleasant
events, but we remember the sights and sounds and the smells as well.

When it comes to Octobers past, I can easily recall the many happy
Thanksgiving dinners as a child spent at my Nana’s house. The wonderful
and savory aromas of the food would be the first thing enjoyed upon entry.
The tiny kitchen would be hot; the windows steamy from all of the pots
on the stove and the table would be overflowing with all of our favorite
dishes. We would spend hours sitting and talking and laughing long after
the meal was finished, delighting in each other’s company. The world was a
wonderful, loving and safe place. Sometimes the memories are so clear that
it seems like only yesterday.

Other October memories for me include some early snow falls and some
late ones. The unmistakable sound of leaves crunching under foot and the
absolute delight found in rolling in that pile of leaves that had only moments
before been so carefully gathered up. The mouth-watering bite into the first
MacIntosh apple of fall. The carving of pumpkins, the costumes and the
thrill of running door to door as a child collecting Halloween goodies and yes,
in some cases, the fun of Halloween pranks which I admit I am guilty of. I
remember lazy October Sundays bathed in the warmth of the sun, relaxed
drives in the country, the lights of combines at night and farmers working
hard in the fields, the beauty of ducks, geese and deer everywhere.

I’m sure you have many October memories just as vivid as mine.

The good news is that only do our memories provide us with pleasure and
comfort… but according to a UK study reminiscing is associated with overall
well-being, and increased levels of happiness. Researchers at the University
of Georgia found that reminiscing is helpful in terms of maintaining a stable
self-identity. Furthermore, recalling a pleasant memory can improve
concentration and lessen anxiety.

“Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never
want to lose”. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

I hope the month of October brings with it many opportunities for you not
only to recall pleasant memories but also to make new ones.

Take care of yourself and those you love.

Kindest Regards,

Penney